For all who celebrate Easter, hope you have/had a lovely day, whether it be with family or friends, loved ones or pets, or in the peaceful comfort of solitude.  For those who don't, the same.  <3

I had a lovely brunch at this jazz place with my friends today. I had a Peach Bellini and a pesto omelet with a bagel.  It was amazing.  Brunch is by far my favorite meal.  If I weren't in a food coma maybe I'd be able to write something coherent.

I apologize to all my internet friends for being so incredibly absent and busy these past few weeks.  Blame midterms and boyfriends, not me.  Matt is an absolute doll.  He treats me so well.  And he's adorable when he sleeps.  The housing drama is resolved and we've split into three groups.  Matt found his own place with Manizeh and Atanu, and Emma, Lindsey, Philip and I are looking for a 4-bedroom together.  I think it's good that I won't be living with Matt, probably better for our relationship, but it also makes me kinda sad.  I really want to get a place close by.

I went to see The Honorary Title open for Mae on Friday.  They were incredible.  I'm not a big Mae fan, but I adore THT.  Two other bands I hadn't heard before played as well.   I will write a review when I'm not in a food coma.  I'm also going to see Murder By Death with cruelest_month in a couple weeks, and British Sea Power in May.  I wish I could go to shows every week but I can't afford it, especialyl if I insist on buying a tshirt every time. XD

The images of Sasuke in 394...just beautiful.  Well done.

My anti-Valentine's party went perfectly. Being shy, paranoid, messy, and cheap, I haven't hosted a party in a few years. It was great. Even more people came by than I had hoped, and everyone ate ALL my cookies! I was worried they were overdone. We had so much fun just randomly chatting, and drinking wine. Most of them had never been in my room before, and they were impressed with it's cuteness. XD

Goddamn my department is a shitshow.  I really don't want to go into the details of the last night's grad student meeting.  Our department is at a major crossroads, on the verge of splitting apart, and at the same time, our graduate program sucks, choked by unneccessary requirements, and setting us behind in terms of careers.  Ugh.  It was so depressing because the students have been trying the same things for many years, and the profs don't listen to us, because they have no central leadership and no accountability.   The whole reason I was willing to come here, for which I had to sneak myself into an uncomfortable specialty niche, was to be a part of what seemed to be a great, cohesive department community.  WRONG.  It's a bad program.  I wouldn't recommend it to anyone unless they have a very strong research vision and the desire to work with a specific faculty member. So frustrating.

THEN I got my term paper back for Origins of Agriculture.  I got a B+, which was fine; in restrospect, it was probably a B+ paper, and I still pulled off an A- in the class because of test grades.  However, the COMMENTS....Dr. Meadow just shredded my paper to bits.  He had a few legitimate criticisms, but he nitpicked all my references and even my WORD ORDER.  My word order.  On several occasions it was clear he had actually misread or misunderstood the crux of my sentence.  Look at what he wrote at the end:

There are problems in this paper with organization, word choice, and referencing.  What you are trying to do in this paper is not adequately presented in the introduction, points are not well made nor evaluated adequately in the body, and use of evidence is not critical.  This is very much an undergraduate level paper and lacks the acuity expected in a graduate student effort.
Ouch.

Fortunately, this prof is a total asshole, not among my advisers, and someone I will probably never have to deal with again until generals.   But the trouble was, I was already so down on my department after the meeting that I was trying to choose another one to switch into.  This just reconfirmed how I felt about myself: a complete imposter, inadequate for graduate study in archaeology, lacking the passion and focus that everyone else has, and still trapped in the undergraduate mindset.  If I didn't want to switch to the English department before, I certainly do after reading that.

 I got really upset, mostly an aftereffect of the meeting.  The paper was just the nail in the coffin.  I kinda took more of my Ativan than I should have, though (as I read later), not nearly enough to cause a problem. I freaked Emma and Matt out a little bit when I wandered downstairs to tell them what I'd done and why.  They made me feel a lot better, and loved.  Despite the sedatives, I still woke up at 7:45 without my alarm, somewhat to my chagrin.

I was so sure it was worth staying here one more year.  Now the only thing that's keeping me here is my desire to live with my friends in a real apartment next year.  If I can just continue to treat this place as a job, and make the best of it, maybe I can stick it out the second year through generals to get the Masters.  Maybe.  After that I will have a secure home base and can apply for any job in Boston, even while I'm still in school.  I want to live with Emma, Matt, Philip, and Lindsey forever.   If I'd gone to UCLA, I never would have met them.  That's my only consolation so far.

Last night was Tom's birthday party.  It started out great; I made sure I looked as hot as possible, and all my favorites among our friends came out.  We went out to a Chinese restaurant and since it was the New Year, we each got a dollar in a red envelope.  I made sure to sit close to Tom so we could talk.  When we got our fortune cookies, Tom's said "A great opportunity awaits if you aren't timid," and when I asked (in kinda of a flirtatious tone, not gonna lie) if he had any idea what that meant, he said he thought he did know -- but then he didn't tell me.  This made me extremely optimistic.

Peter kept telling me I should just go for it, to tell him how I like him, but I was skeptical.  I had hoped Tom would get drunk enough to get touchy-feeley, giving me an excuse to reciprocate.  I'm obviously living in a fantasy world where life imitates fanfic and things just happen without the inconvenience of verbal intercourse.  No such luck.  When we went out to the bar, Tom insisted on getting as drunk as possible, alongside Chris.  At first, he got pleasantly drunk so that we could rave about music together with the wonderment of children, and at one point we were sitting very close, and I was hopeful.  In the meantime, I was crushing on the hot uber-emo bartender (whom everyone else insisted was gay), and our group split up I discovered some of the internal cliquishness in our group (which fortunately doesn't much affect me).  Tom kept drinking, and by the time our half of the group had left the bar and decided to take a cab to the house party where the others had gone earlier, he was a different person.  He could hardly speak straight, and all his intelligence and sensitivity which is so obvious when he's sober was completely invisible.  He became completely unattractive to me, even though I had been hoping to get him drunk so I could free him of some of the social inhibitions he always carries around. It hurt to see him like this.  I never get this drunk, but I can totally understand the place he's coming from when he gets hammered -- it's the same place I go when I eat myself sick or slice up my arms.  But mostly, I realized that he certainly hadn't been planning on making a move after all, or he would have at that point. 

The house party was lame.  I got somebody else's horrible pink cocktail spilled all over me, Tom was practically incoherent, and Ben, Lauren, and I -- the relatively sober ones -- were standing in a corner judging people and commandeering the Tostitos.  I wished I had just gone home after the bar.  It was late.  And I was tired.  Two beautiful gay men were all over each other in the back room, and I just about died of frustration.  And yet, pinning Tom against the wall and making out with him was out of the question when his breath smelled like so much whiskey.  Ugh.  I felt so let down.  I still like him, too -- but not like this. 

The evening was kind of redeemed when the five of us decided to walk home, and Ben and Chris almost got arrested trying to sneak through a construction site.  The rest of us just went the normal way.  Boys are so silly.  Tom had clearly started to sober up a little by the end of the night, but when I got back to my room, I was so sad.  So much of the night had been so fun, but as usual, the combination of alcohol and sugar (and meds) took its toll on me, and I just felt sad in a slow, dull-bladed kind of way.  I should never drink.  I keep telling myself that, and it never works.  Nothing ever works.

Everyone loves my hair, and so do I.  It's darkened a little into a rich almost wine-colored red.  It should last for about a month.

My classes this semester are pretty interesting.  I'm taking a lecture course on the decipherment of ancient writing systems, which is pretty easy, fun, and well-taught.  My adviser is teaching a soil chemistry course where we go out into the forest where an old tannery sued to be and test the ground for chemicals to see if it's safe for future excavation.  That should be fun.  Then of course there is my lab project.  I got my bone samples approved for lab today, and on Monday I'm going to saw them up and get ready to play scientist.  XD  Finally, I have to take the Method and Theory seminar which is required for my program.  It's kind of fun because the prof is hilarious and everyone's in it together, but it is an inordinate amount of reading and meets from six to nine pm each Wednesday.  D:  I also just don't like to study theory, because it makes me feel like archaeology is futile and useless and impossible and irrelevant.   So I went ot bed last night full of doubts again about my motivation.  It only got worse today when the librarian made me feel like an idiot (turns out he's like that to everyone) .  Then I walked in on Tina and Karola, the fouth- and fifth-years in my lab,  sitting around complaining about how our adviser never gives helpful feedback on our paper drafts and how unproductive they feel.  I just...ugh.  I was excited to be here again, but now I'm not so sure.  And Tina later tried to comfort me, telling me not to freak out, and that the best thing for me to do now (totally counter to our adviser's advice) would be to take Chemistry classes if I really want to study residue analysis.  She regrets not  having a strong enough background in genetics for her work on ancient DNA, but if she wanted to take courses she would have to start from the beginning.  She ALSO said it would be very math-intensive as well, which I had no idea.  Math??  Oh hell no. I don't even think I want to do residue analysis anymore if that's the case.  This doesn't mean I have to drop out of the program; I could always just shift back over to standard field archaeology, iconography, and theory, but it scares and disappoints me, especially since I don't think I have what it takes to do those things either.

I am excited about living with Emma though, and possibly in a 4-bedroom with Philip and Matt.  I'm definitely going to finish next year and get the Masters, and if I want to get a different kind of job then, at least I'll already have a place to live in Boston, and I can go right then from Harvard.  It will be much easier to transition.  For now, I just have to remember  not too stress out by looking too far ahead.  I'm being paid to do this after all, so I should at least play the game.

Over the past few weeks I'd been fighting off mounting eating anxieties.  Ever since Emma and I had begun our daily gym treks, I'd reacquired the compulsion to stuff myself.  All through high school and college -- the years when I was running all the time -- I had serious problems controlling my urges to overeat, but in 2007, when I was too sick (in a number of ways) to work out, I hit a point where I no longer had to struggle to eat normally.  I rarely worried if I had eaten too much or too little on a given day -- when I was hungry, I ate something.  And I actually lost the ten pounds I had gained in college, the weight that I was never able to lose despite endless cycles of binging and purging. All this changed when I started exercising again, though -- all of a sudden I wanted to pull a Jimmy and eat the world.  It's probably a combination of psychological and physiological factors -- obviously I'm going to be hungrier when I'm more active, but not THAT much hungrier that I need to eat as much as I can possibly keep down.  I was convinced, terrified, that I'd gain back all the weight I'd lost, that it was actually bad for me to exercise.  I ate 700 calories on Tuesday, and yesterday I was planning on only eating 300.  I had forgotten how it felt to be undernourished, so light and empty and beautiful.  But luckily, lazy_writer knocked some sense into me.  I'm so glad she did.  And usually when that moment used to hit, when I realized I can't get by living on egg whites and cucumbers, I compensate by eating a whole gallon of ice cream or something.  Not this time.  I feel like I needed to face this demon one last time, just to prove to myself that I could do it.  It called to me and I rejected it.

My therapist suggested that my skinny emo boy fetish, and my related obsession with being ultra-thin myself, reflect an attraction to being a kid.  It felt so true.  The things I fear  the most -- having to choose a career, having to deal with financial stuff and logistics, aging alone in a love-filled world, and most relevantly, the mortality of my parents -- are all things I associate with growing up.  I thought that was interesting.  When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was grow up.  Now the future terrifies me.

ETA:  NO MORE PAID ACCOUNT D:  Goodbye lovely icons!  At least I still get to keep my pretteh layout

Meme (tagged by notorium)

a. list seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself
b. tag seven people to do the same
c. do not tag the person who tagged you or say that you tag "whoever wants to do it"


1.  I have very vivid and fantastical dreams.  They rarely bear any resemblance to reality.  Some recurring themes are flying, being hunted, and close encounters with whales.

2.  With food, I go through phases where I always order the same thing at a particular restaurant until I get sick of it.  I’ll go through a latte phase, a chai phase, and an Americano phase, or a burrito phase, a tamale phase, and a tostada phase.  These can last for several months.

3.  I can remember all my Halloween costumes, in order, since I was a year old.

4.  I really can't understand people who can be reading more than one novel at a time. Actually I just suck at multitasking in general.

5. My favorite colors are red, black, white, and blue. Uchiha colors. I also really like wearing stripes and stars.  As a result, I often assemble outfits that look way more patriotic than I intended.

6.  Every day before I go to bed, I make a list, hour by hour, of everything I plan to do the next day.  Sometimes I write  the list down two or three times, in different places, recite it over and over in my head as I fade into sleep, and write it again when I wake up.  If I don’t do this, I get deeply anxious.

7. I absolutely cannot fall asleep without applying chapstick, even if I haven't needed to all day.

Tagging:

raikune, xbluedawn, lazy_writer, bombasticduck, day_eight, azartti, cruelest_month .


I spent yesterday afternoon and last night with my aunt, who lives in Lynnfield.  She has a new house and it's absolutely beautiful, and I got to meet her dog for the first time.  It really, really made me miss my dog, but it was so much fun.  We had lobster, champagne, and chocolate cake made with this delicious African liqueur called Amarula.  Then it snowed in the morning while we were walking Jesse, sweet light snow with huge, perfect, six-pointed flakes.  It was really refreshing and rejuvenating. I think my aunt is the most like me of anyone in my family, in some ways.  

I have a headache and possibly a fever, so this is going to be a short post and then I am going to bed.  *prays not to get sick*

Today I went to visit Guy (my Gay Boyfriend/ concert buddy) in the South End, and we went to a delicious (though pricey) diner called Charlie's Sandwich Shop.  Then we went back to his apartment and watch the very earliest episodes of Will and Grace.  Good times.  Stayed til 5 pm.

As soon as I got home, Tom called me and wanted to go out.  So we got sushi and then loitered in the bookstore.  He told me he hadn't socialized with anyone in three days, so I felt kind of honored that he called me.  We had a really good time, but... I kind of am starting to crush on him again.  I just really wanted him to kiss me.  Like, really. I am too cautious to flirt, though.  I wish I weren't so damn shy. 

Then once he had gone, I started wondering if it would be better for me to pursue Tom or Albert.

I am kind of a whore.

I SURVIVED MY FIRST SEMESTER OF GRADUATE SCHOOL.

Papers are done!  From now til the 30th, I have no obligations unless my lab samples come in and I have to test them.  SWEET.  I've never really felt so close to not completing a semester before, or like, used the phrase "I survived" and really meant it. O_o   But I DID.  The only way to get out of hell is to go through it.

And, through many changes of mind and heart in turn, I've decided to stay at Harvard next year after all. For one, the timing of trying to find a job in Boston for June while signing a lease sometime this spring is just tricky, and there aren't that many jobs I can do that would be any more enjoyable than school. Even if I opened up the field to include San Francisco and L.A., that makes the logistics of the future even more complicated and foreboding. Perhaps the worst thing for me to do for my mental health would be to thrust myself through asteroid belt of logistics into a black hole of uncertainties. I don't hate my schoolwork. I ust hate it when I feel like I'm being trapped into a career that isn't me or that is compromising my artistic identity. If I just treat school as my job at the moment, and take assignments maybe a mite less seriously, it's a pretty good deal.

The primary reason, perhaps, that I don't want to uproot myself is the fact that my social life is richer than it's ever been before. Outside of my department, which is a good place in its own right, I now have two solid, awesome, large groups of friends. I call them "Second Floor" and "Fourth Floor" crews, but really they both cross floors and even dorms. "Second Floor" consists of Emma, Philip, Matt, Mauricio, Lindsey, Katie, Natalie and Julian (who are kind of separate now sine they became an item and spend every minute together) Albert, Atanu, Ashley, and others. We meet in the South Kitchen where I proceed to devour the remains of the Classics Happy Hour snacks while the rest of them top off the drinks and Lindsey tries to do work.

Tangential to the Second (2FC) is my new rock band, The Vinyl Pants, which developed out of a particularly festive South Kitchen Friday night. There are Albert and Billy, Atanu, Garga, and Gourab, Andy, and me. Plus perhaps some Emma and other occasionally contributing 2FC members. After our next band practice I think I will make honor the VPs with their very own post.

"Fourth Floor" is my first group and will always hold a place in my heart. Peter was my key into this group, and remains my beloved neighbor and shopping buddy, the best excuse to go into an Abercrombie that ever walked the earth. Tom is my soulmate. Then there are Myrna, Jo, Maria, Lisa, the other Tom, Rob, Chris, Bens Woodring and Robbins, Giorgio, Kyle, Lauren, and the dearly departed Bryan, whom we all miss. Memorable 4FC activities have included our Christmas (Except You, Robbins) Party, the Harvard-Yale game, and Queen's Head Wednesdays.

It's interesting to compare the two groups. I enjoy spending time with both of them equally, but for different reasons. When I hang with the 4FC, we often get ourselves embroiled in deeply fascinating conversations about academic, philosophical, or political matters. This rarely happens in 2FC, which can be taken as both a pro and a con of each group. I think this difference owes itself to the fact that 4FC hails from a more diverse group of majors and has more Europeans in it. In 2FC, y contrast, we insult each other a lot, with very, very quick humor. The whole thing resembles some offbeat sitcom. We laugh a lot. We make music.

I love my friends.

My mom had her masectomy yesterday, and she's in good spirits.  All the tests that have come back said it probably hasn't spread, and she's just glad to have it over with.  She went right in and came home the same day, and my dad took some days off to care for her while she recovers.  t might be because of my mom that I've been sleeping poorly nad having nightmares these past few days, but it also might be from general anxiety.  I've been working out every morning with Emma, though, and it feels fantastic.  I miss being in shape! For som reason my mom's illness has reminded me of why I need to take care of my health.  It's really important.

And it's break time, again.  This is more for my use than your interest.

Things Joy will do over break:

1. Finish Fresh Ink and other unfinished fics.
2. Visit my aunt.
3. Hang out with Guy, Ilana, and April this weekend.
4. GO SHOPPING.  ALONE.  It's better that way.
5. Spend two hours a day editing Bodies in Flight.
6. Keep going to the gym six days a week with Emma.
7. Watch Juno and There Will be Blood.
8. Spend one hour a day on free reading. First comes Dave Eggers.
9. Watch all of AVATAR.  So far I'm half way there.  O_o
10.  Do quarterly taxes and fix my credit report mix-up thing. D:

A big thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday!  The greatest thing to wake up to yesterday was THIS from ipsius.  SO PERFECT!!! It made my morning.

Well, three days into 2008 and I'm back in my room at school, facing two term papers and a take-home exam in the next 10 days.  O_o  But all's well, more or less.  I kind of had a panicky last few days, because transitions are really hard for me and I did not want to pack and go back for the life of me.  But now that I'm here, I realize how much I missed everyone.  I was getting a little restless on break.

For New Year's Eve, I went to Jenny's house and we hung out with Kamaal, David, and James.  It was a great time, even though I drank a little too much for my own medicated good XD.  We spent a lot of time making fun of old high school classmates and teachers.  It all feels so long ago.  Happy times!

My family celebrated my birthday on New Years Day, since my dad couldn't get off work on the 2nd.   It involved driving down to the O.C. to meet my grandmas for lunch.  The restaurant was rather disappointing, and once again everyone insisted on getting me near-duplicate gifts, but it was nice to be with the family without anyone being obnoxious.  The best gift I got was a pair of black corduroy pants from J. Crew in SIZE 6 with a little black-and-red belt that exactly matches a headband I already own and love.  I wore size 8 for a long time, but now it's too big for me!  *dances the skinny dance*  Also I got makeup, a new wallet, and some really cute jewelry, and my brother got me a big book of publishing companies and literary agents.  He can actually be thoughtful sometimes. 

So now, back at school.  I've already seen a lot of my good friends, and I have a lot of financial crap to sort out with the office tomorrow.  D:

And...Obama and Huckabee won Iowa.  Wow.  Any of the politics-savvy among you wanna dish your views?

Included here are a year-end meme and a shipping meme.  The new year meme made me realize how HUGE 2007 was for me.  It was the biggest year of my life since 1999.



   


Fandom Shipping Meme stolen from _cherrywolf_ :

 

Season's Greetings to all!

We had quite a nice Christmas at home this year.  For Christmas Eve, we had a total of thirteen people over to our place.  I helped my mom make a big buffet with sandwiches, soup, and all kinds of crackers, dips, salads, cheese, and of course, desserts.  Tons and tons of dessert.  I am going to be a lardbucket by the time I get back to school.  The best part, as always , was seeing my little cousin Dylan, who's almost five now.  He's a fully communicative human being now, which is nice, and he's obviously really bright, though he also can be incredibly hyper.  He provided most of the evening's entertainment.  It all went really smoothly and everyone got along, even my Crazy!Grandmother, who insisted on bringing her  schnauzer.  My grandmothers must have a psychic connection, because they both gave me a nice watch and some argyle socks!  XD 

On Christmas morning, I woke up early to wash all the dishes before my mom woke up.  She used her nice dishes which she couldn't put in the dishwasher, so I did it by hand and it took almost an hour and a half.  It was totally worth it, though, because she was so happy and surprised.  It took my dad about 10 minutes to notice that my brother and I had hung stockings for our parents.  He's the least observant person I've ever met in my life.  It was really enjoyable to open gifts this year because the parents got so many and there were a lot of surprises.  I got some nice clothes, a few books and CDs, Harold and Maude on DVD, a new pair or speakers, and a NEW PHONE which is red and black and holds 2GB of music.  I needed a new phone so bad, and I didn't expect to get one this awesome.

I'm going to go enjoy my new stuff.  Maybe get some reading done and pretend I don't have any term papers to do.

I've decided I want to quit school at the end of this year.  But instead of moving back to California to live with my parents, I want to find a random job in Boston.  I like Boston.  I just don't want to get a Ph.D., in anthropology or anything else.

I've had this epiphany a couple of times before, but I always blamed it on the depression.   Now that I have the benefit of Prozac Goggles, I can see that I just am not following my heart.  I need to get better at writing, and write. That's my dream.  It always has been, but I've ben ignoring it for so long.  Maybe I'll eventually want to go for an MFA in writing, maybe not.

Of all the potential jobs, copy editing for a publishing house looks the most up my alley.  If I stay in town, I'll get to live with Emma and still and stay in touch with Peter,  Lauren, Philip, Tom, Guy, and everyone else.

Watch me change my mind next week.  I am a fickle mood whore.

Okay first things first -- my much delayed review of the AWESOME show I went to last Sunday.
( Jesse Lacey, I will seduce you from your emo yet. )


Other things: It's almost time for winter break! I finished my last test for Origins of Agriculture today, and the museum exhibit I was organizing for my China class is all set up (and looking fantastic if I do say so myself). I still have a short paper to do by Wednesday, but it's almost done. Unfortunately, our semester ends at the end of January, so I will have to spend Christmas break researching my two term papers and have a take-home final when I get back. D: At Yale I was used to having everything finished before Christmas, so this is kind of annoying, but at least it made the last couple weeks much less painful than they would have been and probably enabled me to do NaNoWriMo. Which is my other big project for break: finally digging out Bodies In Flight from its winner-sparkly coffin and EDITING the thing. :D I'm taking the weekend to get ahead on research so I can relax a little over break, but I did some Christmas shopping today and it made me happeh.


Finally, on a manga/anime note:

Spoilers for Naruto 382 and Shippuuden Episode 39

( SPOILERS, I REPEAT, MAJOR MANGA SPOILERS )

Well, it finally happened. Boston got our first snow. Unfortunately it is being followed by a light rain that turns the ground to icky slush, but the little white trimmings on the rooftops and cars are a welcome holiday addition.  This afternoon it started coming down again in thick flakes.  It's gorgeous outside my lab window, but I'm glad I'm not out in it.

Yesterday I went to the NaNo TGIO party and met up with April, Aly, and Mary Anne. I won a new flash drive in the door prize drawing, which is exactly what I needed! It's black and pink too. :) NaNo is something I hope to make a tradition in my life. I haven't really done too much editing yet for Bodies In Flight, but I already have two more ideas. One is the archaeological mystery story I dreamed up a couple summers ago, which would definitely be a YA thing. The other is about werecats, inspired, I think, by the prospects of living with a giant cat next year if Emma gets everything she wants. It's amazing how different the ideas I produce are when I'm no longer miserable. Yeah, I'm still twelve years old, but at least I'm not twelve years old and depressed. XD

Well, now I'm back in California with my parents again.  I am always so happy when I'm here.  Time to catch up on life.  I just had an exam yesterday and left immediately after for the airport.  I wrote 3700 words of NaNo on the plane.  Now my total is 33,744.  I might even finish early if I write a lot over break.

Harvard-Yale was really fun.  Getting off the bus, and stepping out onto Elm Street, I was overwhelmed by nostalgia and longing.  I felt at home again.  Somehow it seemed as though the past three months had been a dream, and I was back at school now, where I lived.  All the pain I had felt at the end of college seemed light years away.  The very buildings and air seemed to welcome me back.  It was beautiful, and unexpected.
I got to stay with one of my good friends and got to see several more, which I really needed, I think.  The best part was when I ran into my friend Emily on the side of the road, about to drive to the stadium with a car full of her Wellesley friends who had driven down to Yale. There was no room in the station wagon for me, so I crawled into the trunk and whenever a traffic cop or someone important walked by, they made me throw a blanket over my head and pretend to be luggage. It was so much fun.  I felt like an illegal immigrant or a secret agent.  We hung out atthe tailgate and I eventually went to the Davenport tailgate where I ran into some other friends from my college.  I didn't feel that comfortable there, though.  It was mostly the people who were kind of cliquey in college, and it didn't seem like they had changed.  I also have run out of whatever enthusiasm I ever had for drunk people on trucks.  The actual football game was depressing.  Yale got killed by Harvard, and since it was the championship game, this was unexpected.  My new friends in the Harvard stands were having a great time, though.  I just couldn't bring myself to cheer for Harvard, even though it's my school now.  It just didn't feel right.  But it was a good time.

The hardest thing about this break is going to be deciding where I want to be next semester.  I need to decide before I get back to school.  There are so many factors at play here and so many unknowns, but in the end I guess I will end up going with my gut.

Long time no post!  And the last one didn't even count as a post, really.  Oh well.

I've been doing some fun things, mostly NaNo.  I'm halfway through my novel!!  I never, never thought I would make it this far or enjoy it so much!  I'm behind on everything else in my life, from school to fandom to socializing to the f-list, but man oh man.  I've never written this much in my life, and doing this novel may literally be driving me crazy and keeping me sane at the same time.  25,000 words!  True, some of them are total crap, but some of them aren't, and I love my characters.

Last Saturday, my Yale friends Guy, Illana and I went to the outlet mall in Wrentham.  The whole thing was kind of a logistical mess because we didn't end up leaving until an hour an a half later than we'd planned, and there were issues getting out of the city (NEVER DRIVE IN BOSTON).  It was really fun.  They have so many stores there and almost everything is slightly cheaper than normal.  I got a cute little red coat, two shirts and a sweater. Yay.

I keep managing to get good grades even though I'm not really doing my work.  I thought I failed abysmally at all three assignments I've had so far, and all three profs gave me an A.  It kind of makes me feel like grades don't mean anything (which is kind of true) and like the profs will just hand out As right and left.  I don't get it.  Yale was harder than this.  Seriously.

This Saturday is the Harvard-Yale football game, otherwise known as The Game.  This year it's at Yale.  It's the biggest game of the year: think UCLA vs. USC, except with crappy gameplay.  But the Harvard-Yale rivalry is really not about football.  I hate football.  I'm just excited to go back to Yale and see people.  I'm going down on the Friday afternoon bus and staying with a friend who's a senior.  A bunch of my Harvard crew is going as well, but I'll be rooting for Yale, so we'll be declared enemies for the day.

I'm going back to California for Thanksgiving, skipping the last day of class (Tuesday) and the first day we return (Monday).  I really can't wait to go back home.  It always refreshes me.  I'll have lots of time to get ahead on NaNo and maybe start writing some papers for school (or not).  When I get back, I will have to decide and tell my advisort whether I want to stay here next semester or take time off.  I keep vacillating on this.  It's very hard to know what the best thing to do is.

While netbrowsing today, I went to YouTube and one of the featured "videos being watched" was the dub of Naruto Episode 109.  It's the one where Sasuke get the offer from the Sound Four, he leaves the village, and Sakura declares her love.  I watched it for nostalgia's sake, and despite the quality of dub, which is still pretty bad, I was touched again by how good Naruto used to be.  *sigh*   Yeah Shippuuden is awesome, and I'm especially looking forward to the new episodes with Sai, but just the overall quality of the story seems to have fallen.  Especially Sasuke's arc which I can't seem to stop complaining about.  *shuts self up*

Oh, but one more thing about Sasuke:  I don't know how I found myself on this particular online clothing store, but I ound this "Anime Hoodie" rather amusing.  Especially since it is tagged "HO ANIME GUY."  As if we needed any more proof Sasuke was a ho.  XD

Clearly I am wasting great quantities of time I should use to study.

I need to write a lot of things.  I need to write a NaruSasu birthday drabble for paperninja and rabid_fangrrl.  I need to finish Fresh Ink.  And I need to get my ass in gear for NaNoWriMo.  I'm starting to worry my idea will be too depressing.  Basically it's about two girls, complete strangers, who jump from the same building at the same time, and survive, and the relationship that develops between them when one girl hunts the other down.  I really want to write it, but I'm not sure it will be healthy for me to spend too much time in the heads of suicidal protagonists while waiting to see how well my Prozac works.

It's been a pretty stable week, though.  I still haven't been able to work much, which is frustrating and gradually making me more stressed.  I've found myself exhausted every weekend even though I haven't been working hard, so I never want to go out or do anything.  But I've been spending time with real people, which is always healthy even when it's against my will.  ^_^

Tagged for two memes by bombasticduck .

1. Icons. 

Comment and I'll pick seven of your icons, and then you will explain why you love/are using the icon (who doesn't love talking about their icons, seriously) and then post your explanation/this meme in your journal for other people to squee about their icons, and basically it will be a huge squeefest of love and 100x100 square pixels.


So comment away and I will choose icons for you!



Meme #2: Desktop

Upon receiving this tag, immediately perform a screen capture of your desktop. It is best that no icons be deleted before the screen capture so as to add to the element of fun. Here’s how you can do a screen capture:

1. Go to your desktop and press the Print Scrn key (located on the right side of the F12 key).   If you have a MAC, press Apple+Shift+3.
2.Open a graphics program (like Picture Manager, Paint, or Photoshop) and doing a Paste (CTRL + V). If you wish, you can “edit” the image before saving it.
3. Post the picture on your blog. You can also give a short explanation on the look of your desktop if you want. You can explain why you prefer such a look or why it is full of icons. Things like that.
4. Tag five of your friends and ask them to give you a Free View of their desktops as well.

( Not as exciting as it used to be... )

Also, other things.  I've been doing so much better this whole week,  though I still have really bad mood swings as per usual.  I got really really miserable quite suddenly early in the afternoon, but instead of doing anything harmful I found a nice quiet bench outside to sit on and just watch the fall leaves until I felt better. Then my friends Peter and Ben took me out to the river where the huge rowing event, Head of the Charles, was going on.  We sat out on the grass and watched the boats and geese go by.  There were so many people, and all these food stands, and the weather was perfect.  I felt really good about myself that I was able to take myself from a really nasty dangerous place to a good place by spending time outside with trees and friends instead of alone in my room with food and sharp objects and schoolwork I'm not really doing.  I'm proud of myself.  I don't think I've said that in a really long time.  It makes me feel like it might not always have to be this hard.

First I get a call at 7 am saying that my therapist, whom I haven't seen in two weeks and whom I was anxious to ask about finally getting medication, is sick today.  And the entire week is booked up until next Monday, so they stuck me on a waiting list.  WTF.  I do have the first group meeting tomorrow, but come on...this is the third time I've been let down and not gotten to meet when I thought I would get to.  My friends say that given my issues I could have gone into urgent care during my roughest time and gotten help, but honestly, I just didn't think of it.  I didn't think it was urgent.  Now I'm just...ugh.
And THEN....my advisor emails me saying that the Dean of Graduate Student Affairs called her on the phone, which means someone told him they were worried about me.  I'm assuming it was one of my friends either in the department or in the hall.  At first I was really angry because he's kind of a big deal and now I feel like my problems are exposed for anyone to see.  If they were so concerned why did they go to him and not to me?  But then I realized they were just trying to help.  It makes me really glad I talked to my advisor on Thursday, though, because if she didn't know what was going on before, she would now, thanks to the Dean and whoever tipped him off.  He's going to try to help me I assume.  He's also the person who takes the leave of absence applications, I believe, which might either complicate or make things easier.  God, is it that obvious?  >>;

I reread this and realized I was complaining when I couldn't get help and then again when someone tried to help me. I guess I'll never be satisfied with anything.  XD

Good things:  I AM GOING TO SEE TORI AMOS ON FRIDAY.  I have wanted to BE her for like...years.  *____*
Also I love this kid Philip.  I love him.  He is the funniest person I know, and he loves my music, and he even shares my creepy love for Salad Fingers. <3

Also:  I am doing NaNoWriMo.   Yes, it's insane.  Which is why I must try.