Goddamn my department is a shitshow.  I really don't want to go into the details of the last night's grad student meeting.  Our department is at a major crossroads, on the verge of splitting apart, and at the same time, our graduate program sucks, choked by unneccessary requirements, and setting us behind in terms of careers.  Ugh.  It was so depressing because the students have been trying the same things for many years, and the profs don't listen to us, because they have no central leadership and no accountability.   The whole reason I was willing to come here, for which I had to sneak myself into an uncomfortable specialty niche, was to be a part of what seemed to be a great, cohesive department community.  WRONG.  It's a bad program.  I wouldn't recommend it to anyone unless they have a very strong research vision and the desire to work with a specific faculty member. So frustrating.

THEN I got my term paper back for Origins of Agriculture.  I got a B+, which was fine; in restrospect, it was probably a B+ paper, and I still pulled off an A- in the class because of test grades.  However, the COMMENTS....Dr. Meadow just shredded my paper to bits.  He had a few legitimate criticisms, but he nitpicked all my references and even my WORD ORDER.  My word order.  On several occasions it was clear he had actually misread or misunderstood the crux of my sentence.  Look at what he wrote at the end:

There are problems in this paper with organization, word choice, and referencing.  What you are trying to do in this paper is not adequately presented in the introduction, points are not well made nor evaluated adequately in the body, and use of evidence is not critical.  This is very much an undergraduate level paper and lacks the acuity expected in a graduate student effort.
Ouch.

Fortunately, this prof is a total asshole, not among my advisers, and someone I will probably never have to deal with again until generals.   But the trouble was, I was already so down on my department after the meeting that I was trying to choose another one to switch into.  This just reconfirmed how I felt about myself: a complete imposter, inadequate for graduate study in archaeology, lacking the passion and focus that everyone else has, and still trapped in the undergraduate mindset.  If I didn't want to switch to the English department before, I certainly do after reading that.

 I got really upset, mostly an aftereffect of the meeting.  The paper was just the nail in the coffin.  I kinda took more of my Ativan than I should have, though (as I read later), not nearly enough to cause a problem. I freaked Emma and Matt out a little bit when I wandered downstairs to tell them what I'd done and why.  They made me feel a lot better, and loved.  Despite the sedatives, I still woke up at 7:45 without my alarm, somewhat to my chagrin.

I was so sure it was worth staying here one more year.  Now the only thing that's keeping me here is my desire to live with my friends in a real apartment next year.  If I can just continue to treat this place as a job, and make the best of it, maybe I can stick it out the second year through generals to get the Masters.  Maybe.  After that I will have a secure home base and can apply for any job in Boston, even while I'm still in school.  I want to live with Emma, Matt, Philip, and Lindsey forever.   If I'd gone to UCLA, I never would have met them.  That's my only consolation so far.

Everyone loves my hair, and so do I.  It's darkened a little into a rich almost wine-colored red.  It should last for about a month.

My classes this semester are pretty interesting.  I'm taking a lecture course on the decipherment of ancient writing systems, which is pretty easy, fun, and well-taught.  My adviser is teaching a soil chemistry course where we go out into the forest where an old tannery sued to be and test the ground for chemicals to see if it's safe for future excavation.  That should be fun.  Then of course there is my lab project.  I got my bone samples approved for lab today, and on Monday I'm going to saw them up and get ready to play scientist.  XD  Finally, I have to take the Method and Theory seminar which is required for my program.  It's kind of fun because the prof is hilarious and everyone's in it together, but it is an inordinate amount of reading and meets from six to nine pm each Wednesday.  D:  I also just don't like to study theory, because it makes me feel like archaeology is futile and useless and impossible and irrelevant.   So I went ot bed last night full of doubts again about my motivation.  It only got worse today when the librarian made me feel like an idiot (turns out he's like that to everyone) .  Then I walked in on Tina and Karola, the fouth- and fifth-years in my lab,  sitting around complaining about how our adviser never gives helpful feedback on our paper drafts and how unproductive they feel.  I just...ugh.  I was excited to be here again, but now I'm not so sure.  And Tina later tried to comfort me, telling me not to freak out, and that the best thing for me to do now (totally counter to our adviser's advice) would be to take Chemistry classes if I really want to study residue analysis.  She regrets not  having a strong enough background in genetics for her work on ancient DNA, but if she wanted to take courses she would have to start from the beginning.  She ALSO said it would be very math-intensive as well, which I had no idea.  Math??  Oh hell no. I don't even think I want to do residue analysis anymore if that's the case.  This doesn't mean I have to drop out of the program; I could always just shift back over to standard field archaeology, iconography, and theory, but it scares and disappoints me, especially since I don't think I have what it takes to do those things either.

I am excited about living with Emma though, and possibly in a 4-bedroom with Philip and Matt.  I'm definitely going to finish next year and get the Masters, and if I want to get a different kind of job then, at least I'll already have a place to live in Boston, and I can go right then from Harvard.  It will be much easier to transition.  For now, I just have to remember  not too stress out by looking too far ahead.  I'm being paid to do this after all, so I should at least play the game.

Over the past few weeks I'd been fighting off mounting eating anxieties.  Ever since Emma and I had begun our daily gym treks, I'd reacquired the compulsion to stuff myself.  All through high school and college -- the years when I was running all the time -- I had serious problems controlling my urges to overeat, but in 2007, when I was too sick (in a number of ways) to work out, I hit a point where I no longer had to struggle to eat normally.  I rarely worried if I had eaten too much or too little on a given day -- when I was hungry, I ate something.  And I actually lost the ten pounds I had gained in college, the weight that I was never able to lose despite endless cycles of binging and purging. All this changed when I started exercising again, though -- all of a sudden I wanted to pull a Jimmy and eat the world.  It's probably a combination of psychological and physiological factors -- obviously I'm going to be hungrier when I'm more active, but not THAT much hungrier that I need to eat as much as I can possibly keep down.  I was convinced, terrified, that I'd gain back all the weight I'd lost, that it was actually bad for me to exercise.  I ate 700 calories on Tuesday, and yesterday I was planning on only eating 300.  I had forgotten how it felt to be undernourished, so light and empty and beautiful.  But luckily, lazy_writer knocked some sense into me.  I'm so glad she did.  And usually when that moment used to hit, when I realized I can't get by living on egg whites and cucumbers, I compensate by eating a whole gallon of ice cream or something.  Not this time.  I feel like I needed to face this demon one last time, just to prove to myself that I could do it.  It called to me and I rejected it.

My therapist suggested that my skinny emo boy fetish, and my related obsession with being ultra-thin myself, reflect an attraction to being a kid.  It felt so true.  The things I fear  the most -- having to choose a career, having to deal with financial stuff and logistics, aging alone in a love-filled world, and most relevantly, the mortality of my parents -- are all things I associate with growing up.  I thought that was interesting.  When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was grow up.  Now the future terrifies me.

ETA:  NO MORE PAID ACCOUNT D:  Goodbye lovely icons!  At least I still get to keep my pretteh layout

I SURVIVED MY FIRST SEMESTER OF GRADUATE SCHOOL.

Papers are done!  From now til the 30th, I have no obligations unless my lab samples come in and I have to test them.  SWEET.  I've never really felt so close to not completing a semester before, or like, used the phrase "I survived" and really meant it. O_o   But I DID.  The only way to get out of hell is to go through it.

And, through many changes of mind and heart in turn, I've decided to stay at Harvard next year after all. For one, the timing of trying to find a job in Boston for June while signing a lease sometime this spring is just tricky, and there aren't that many jobs I can do that would be any more enjoyable than school. Even if I opened up the field to include San Francisco and L.A., that makes the logistics of the future even more complicated and foreboding. Perhaps the worst thing for me to do for my mental health would be to thrust myself through asteroid belt of logistics into a black hole of uncertainties. I don't hate my schoolwork. I ust hate it when I feel like I'm being trapped into a career that isn't me or that is compromising my artistic identity. If I just treat school as my job at the moment, and take assignments maybe a mite less seriously, it's a pretty good deal.

The primary reason, perhaps, that I don't want to uproot myself is the fact that my social life is richer than it's ever been before. Outside of my department, which is a good place in its own right, I now have two solid, awesome, large groups of friends. I call them "Second Floor" and "Fourth Floor" crews, but really they both cross floors and even dorms. "Second Floor" consists of Emma, Philip, Matt, Mauricio, Lindsey, Katie, Natalie and Julian (who are kind of separate now sine they became an item and spend every minute together) Albert, Atanu, Ashley, and others. We meet in the South Kitchen where I proceed to devour the remains of the Classics Happy Hour snacks while the rest of them top off the drinks and Lindsey tries to do work.

Tangential to the Second (2FC) is my new rock band, The Vinyl Pants, which developed out of a particularly festive South Kitchen Friday night. There are Albert and Billy, Atanu, Garga, and Gourab, Andy, and me. Plus perhaps some Emma and other occasionally contributing 2FC members. After our next band practice I think I will make honor the VPs with their very own post.

"Fourth Floor" is my first group and will always hold a place in my heart. Peter was my key into this group, and remains my beloved neighbor and shopping buddy, the best excuse to go into an Abercrombie that ever walked the earth. Tom is my soulmate. Then there are Myrna, Jo, Maria, Lisa, the other Tom, Rob, Chris, Bens Woodring and Robbins, Giorgio, Kyle, Lauren, and the dearly departed Bryan, whom we all miss. Memorable 4FC activities have included our Christmas (Except You, Robbins) Party, the Harvard-Yale game, and Queen's Head Wednesdays.

It's interesting to compare the two groups. I enjoy spending time with both of them equally, but for different reasons. When I hang with the 4FC, we often get ourselves embroiled in deeply fascinating conversations about academic, philosophical, or political matters. This rarely happens in 2FC, which can be taken as both a pro and a con of each group. I think this difference owes itself to the fact that 4FC hails from a more diverse group of majors and has more Europeans in it. In 2FC, y contrast, we insult each other a lot, with very, very quick humor. The whole thing resembles some offbeat sitcom. We laugh a lot. We make music.

I love my friends.

My mom had her masectomy yesterday, and she's in good spirits.  All the tests that have come back said it probably hasn't spread, and she's just glad to have it over with.  She went right in and came home the same day, and my dad took some days off to care for her while she recovers.  t might be because of my mom that I've been sleeping poorly nad having nightmares these past few days, but it also might be from general anxiety.  I've been working out every morning with Emma, though, and it feels fantastic.  I miss being in shape! For som reason my mom's illness has reminded me of why I need to take care of my health.  It's really important.

And it's break time, again.  This is more for my use than your interest.

Things Joy will do over break:

1. Finish Fresh Ink and other unfinished fics.
2. Visit my aunt.
3. Hang out with Guy, Ilana, and April this weekend.
4. GO SHOPPING.  ALONE.  It's better that way.
5. Spend two hours a day editing Bodies in Flight.
6. Keep going to the gym six days a week with Emma.
7. Watch Juno and There Will be Blood.
8. Spend one hour a day on free reading. First comes Dave Eggers.
9. Watch all of AVATAR.  So far I'm half way there.  O_o
10.  Do quarterly taxes and fix my credit report mix-up thing. D:

Hey folks, I've recently emerged from holing myself up in the library, writing my two papers. They are done! Now all that remains are a take-home exam on Sunday, which I have from noon to midnight to complete, and a five-pager to whip off by Friday. I'm hoping to get it done early in the week, though, so I can get a couple extra days of semester break. Classes start again January 30, and they should be more fun this time around, I think.

I'm applying to play Rukia at hardboiled_rpg , the brainchild of my beloved gogochan . I've never been part of an official RP before, so I hope I have enough time to put into it. I justify this to myself with the logic that I am a writer first and a student archaeologist second, and since RPing helps hone my writing skills, I should do it.

Speaking of which, I LOVED the last chapter of Bleach. I've never been much of a Mayuri fan, but this chapter...it was kickass. Kubo's really gotten his stuff together these days.

Finally, the album cover meme, stolen from katiefoolery .

1) Go to a random page on wiki.
The article title is the name of your band.

2) Go to an equally random page of quotes.
The final words of the last quote on your page are the title of your album.

3) Go to a flickr feed of photos from the last seven days.
The FOURTH image on the page is your album cover. (You can choose to go to here if you prefer a more dynamic, less philosophical cover.)

4) Design your cover. Layout and presentation are up to you.

5) Post your cover, along with these instructions. In the comments your friends will tell you what kind of music you play and the name of the album’s single.



So tell me, what kind of music should Spider Islands play?  (And I hope pulling a "Trace Contour" on the original image qualifies as "design and presentation" and is within my jurisdiction. >>)

A big thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday!  The greatest thing to wake up to yesterday was THIS from ipsius.  SO PERFECT!!! It made my morning.

Well, three days into 2008 and I'm back in my room at school, facing two term papers and a take-home exam in the next 10 days.  O_o  But all's well, more or less.  I kind of had a panicky last few days, because transitions are really hard for me and I did not want to pack and go back for the life of me.  But now that I'm here, I realize how much I missed everyone.  I was getting a little restless on break.

For New Year's Eve, I went to Jenny's house and we hung out with Kamaal, David, and James.  It was a great time, even though I drank a little too much for my own medicated good XD.  We spent a lot of time making fun of old high school classmates and teachers.  It all feels so long ago.  Happy times!

My family celebrated my birthday on New Years Day, since my dad couldn't get off work on the 2nd.   It involved driving down to the O.C. to meet my grandmas for lunch.  The restaurant was rather disappointing, and once again everyone insisted on getting me near-duplicate gifts, but it was nice to be with the family without anyone being obnoxious.  The best gift I got was a pair of black corduroy pants from J. Crew in SIZE 6 with a little black-and-red belt that exactly matches a headband I already own and love.  I wore size 8 for a long time, but now it's too big for me!  *dances the skinny dance*  Also I got makeup, a new wallet, and some really cute jewelry, and my brother got me a big book of publishing companies and literary agents.  He can actually be thoughtful sometimes. 

So now, back at school.  I've already seen a lot of my good friends, and I have a lot of financial crap to sort out with the office tomorrow.  D:

And...Obama and Huckabee won Iowa.  Wow.  Any of the politics-savvy among you wanna dish your views?

I've decided I want to quit school at the end of this year.  But instead of moving back to California to live with my parents, I want to find a random job in Boston.  I like Boston.  I just don't want to get a Ph.D., in anthropology or anything else.

I've had this epiphany a couple of times before, but I always blamed it on the depression.   Now that I have the benefit of Prozac Goggles, I can see that I just am not following my heart.  I need to get better at writing, and write. That's my dream.  It always has been, but I've ben ignoring it for so long.  Maybe I'll eventually want to go for an MFA in writing, maybe not.

Of all the potential jobs, copy editing for a publishing house looks the most up my alley.  If I stay in town, I'll get to live with Emma and still and stay in touch with Peter,  Lauren, Philip, Tom, Guy, and everyone else.

Watch me change my mind next week.  I am a fickle mood whore.

Okay first things first -- my much delayed review of the AWESOME show I went to last Sunday.
( Jesse Lacey, I will seduce you from your emo yet. )


Other things: It's almost time for winter break! I finished my last test for Origins of Agriculture today, and the museum exhibit I was organizing for my China class is all set up (and looking fantastic if I do say so myself). I still have a short paper to do by Wednesday, but it's almost done. Unfortunately, our semester ends at the end of January, so I will have to spend Christmas break researching my two term papers and have a take-home final when I get back. D: At Yale I was used to having everything finished before Christmas, so this is kind of annoying, but at least it made the last couple weeks much less painful than they would have been and probably enabled me to do NaNoWriMo. Which is my other big project for break: finally digging out Bodies In Flight from its winner-sparkly coffin and EDITING the thing. :D I'm taking the weekend to get ahead on research so I can relax a little over break, but I did some Christmas shopping today and it made me happeh.


Finally, on a manga/anime note:

Spoilers for Naruto 382 and Shippuuden Episode 39

( SPOILERS, I REPEAT, MAJOR MANGA SPOILERS )

Which Naruto ninja are you most like? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Sasuke You're Sasuke, the angsty popular kid. Good-looking, cool and smart , you're admired by many. However, you don't care about people that much. You have one ambition, one goal in your life, and when it comes to that, people are just in your way. Try to give up the hatred you might feel because of your past and learn to show your caring side. Sasuke 88% Neji 75% Iruka 69% Rock Lee 69% TenTen 63% Hinata 63% Genma 56% Shikamaru 44% Naruto 44% Kakashi 44%

I'm not sure that the stated reasons are the real reasons why am I like Sasuke, which I've spent way too much time rambling about, but alright.  Angsty and popular (finally) is probably true.  And apparently I'm good looking?  News to me.

I went shopping with Peter today.  I haven't been spending enough time with him and I had forgotten how fun he was.  He gets so excited about going to Abercrombie (they don't have it in England), which makes me roll my eyes but he's too adorable about it to hold it against him.  I got some little things for my parents as well as the most recent Bayside CD for myself.  They're coming to Cambridge next week and I'd like to go, but I might not just because the week is already so loaded down with shows.  On Tuesday I'm probably going to see Cold War Kids, Spoon, and Against Me! with Chris and Giorgio, and on Sunday Guy and I are driving to Lowell to see Brand New.  Phew.  I'm excited, but also getting a little stressed. 

In school I'm starting a new project!  I'm going to be doing stable isotope analysis on a collection of Native American bones from Florida, to see how they compare with an earlier population from a nearby site.  We're looking at diet and subsistence patterns over time. I've never done this type of analysis before, since I've only worked with ceramics, not bones, but this project is kind of a race against time, since our museum will probably have to return all our Native American skeletal material when the new NAGRPA amendment goes through January 14.  I'm the only one in lab without a project now, and its straightforward nature should make it a good training project for me.  The idea of learning lab skills finally has gotten me a little more excited about school.

But damn, is it cold.

Long time no post!  And the last one didn't even count as a post, really.  Oh well.

I've been doing some fun things, mostly NaNo.  I'm halfway through my novel!!  I never, never thought I would make it this far or enjoy it so much!  I'm behind on everything else in my life, from school to fandom to socializing to the f-list, but man oh man.  I've never written this much in my life, and doing this novel may literally be driving me crazy and keeping me sane at the same time.  25,000 words!  True, some of them are total crap, but some of them aren't, and I love my characters.

Last Saturday, my Yale friends Guy, Illana and I went to the outlet mall in Wrentham.  The whole thing was kind of a logistical mess because we didn't end up leaving until an hour an a half later than we'd planned, and there were issues getting out of the city (NEVER DRIVE IN BOSTON).  It was really fun.  They have so many stores there and almost everything is slightly cheaper than normal.  I got a cute little red coat, two shirts and a sweater. Yay.

I keep managing to get good grades even though I'm not really doing my work.  I thought I failed abysmally at all three assignments I've had so far, and all three profs gave me an A.  It kind of makes me feel like grades don't mean anything (which is kind of true) and like the profs will just hand out As right and left.  I don't get it.  Yale was harder than this.  Seriously.

This Saturday is the Harvard-Yale football game, otherwise known as The Game.  This year it's at Yale.  It's the biggest game of the year: think UCLA vs. USC, except with crappy gameplay.  But the Harvard-Yale rivalry is really not about football.  I hate football.  I'm just excited to go back to Yale and see people.  I'm going down on the Friday afternoon bus and staying with a friend who's a senior.  A bunch of my Harvard crew is going as well, but I'll be rooting for Yale, so we'll be declared enemies for the day.

I'm going back to California for Thanksgiving, skipping the last day of class (Tuesday) and the first day we return (Monday).  I really can't wait to go back home.  It always refreshes me.  I'll have lots of time to get ahead on NaNo and maybe start writing some papers for school (or not).  When I get back, I will have to decide and tell my advisort whether I want to stay here next semester or take time off.  I keep vacillating on this.  It's very hard to know what the best thing to do is.

I got a little behind on NaNo, but I've managed to stay afloat and broke the 10,000 word barrier this evening!  Whoot!  I'm enjoying the story my characters are leading me on.  They're surprising me a little bit, which is what happens when you don't have time to plan every action and every line of dialogue.  You tap into your subconscious, and things just come out.  I have to struggle to silence my inner editor, because when I've written fics in the past I've belabored the precise word choices in every sentence, and in NaNo...the obvious solution is to use both words! 

It's been a few days since I've felt any real symptoms of depression, or had a panic attack.  It's possible that the Prozac is starting to work already, or maybe it's just another of the natural swings.  In fact, I haven't had a bad day since the turn of the month -- in other words, since NaNo started.  This is despite having to pour hours into studying for the midterm from hell -- I mean Chinese Archaeology -- which I took today with mixed results.  I'm glad I studied so hard (and I never would have done it without the other girls in my department forming a study group), because I had absorbed nothing from the lectures and the few readings that I did.  However, he still managed to ask all the questions I wasn't well versed in, and I ran out of time for the essay.  Oh well. 

I hardly stressed out about this test at all, and even did some NaNoWriting when I should have been studying, because I had already convinced myself I was going to drop out.  Ironically, I've been feeling better over the last few days about being here, and about archaeology in general.  I'm still not sure I want to do it, and still want to take time off, but I'm not sure when.  I hate doubting myself, but a lot of things are trying to keep me here.  We shall see.  It certainly feels good to have a difficult exam be over without a huge degree of panic and catatonic self-loathing involved.

On Saturday I'm going outlet shopping with my old Yale friend and concert buddy, Guy.  I'm pretty excited.  Can't wait to spend my not-so-hard-earned paycheck.  Maybe get some gifts for my parents.

There are things I'm still afraid of.  But I don't want to think about them today.

EDIT:  11,000 words now! *_*  My main character's sister surprised me by falling in love with the MC's male friend.  The open-ended love triangle is now a love quadrilateral.  Well more like a love chain.  And I don't think that anyone will ever get together in this novel, because it's not a romance.  Technically.  Heeheeeheee.  Ships Ava/Liza.

As the first day of NaNoWriMo draws to a close, I've finished 3,500 words!  I'm over a day ahead, which is great, as I have a midterm next week and a lot of crap going on.  It's been taking me about an hour to write 500 words, which is pretty slow -- I'm such a horrible perfectionist -- but the more I write the faster the words seem to come.  I went to the Boston NaNo write-in at Au Bon Pain, which was great  We had the whole back part to ourselves, and the looks on the faces of innocent customers when they saw all these people having intense conversations with their laptops was rather amusing.  I met some cool people as well -- college students, mostly.  It definitely gave me a sense of community I hadn't had before.  I'm really liking where my story is leading me as well.

I didn't do much for Halloween, as I didn't pull together a costume in time and was eaten by mood swings, but from the looks of my flist it seems like most everyone had a fun time.  It's going to be a busy weekend for me. 

I also talked with my mom a few times and I've pretty much decided I should take time off from school starting next semester.  I have a feeling I won't be coming back.  I'm not happy with my work here, and nothing seems worth it, and I think the fact that I'm willing to attempt NaNo despite it all is my subconscious' way of letting me know I've veered from the path I want to follow.  I'm going to be sad to leave Cambridge because it's so beautiful and I'm just discovering it.  Something tells me, though, that in January the prospect of returning to California won't sound bad at all.

It’s been a few crazy days in archaeology land.

I slept poorly Wendesday night due to emotional meltdown, and conveniently, ALL DAY on Thursday was crammed with department activities. First, Department Orientation.  I began the event by spilling my entire cup of coffee in my lap.  The entire front of my pants as well as my underwear were soaked through.  Everyone was staring at me, and the fact that I was saying “Fuck fuck fuck!” probably didn’t help.  They were all quite concerned that I had burned myself, but the funny thing was I didn’t even notice the pain (high tolerance ftw!).  I was just annoyed that I was soaking wet.  Thank god I wore black jeans and the coffee didn’t even show.   

Archaeo Wing luncheon.  Uneventful.  Met some students and faculty; got contradictory opinions on whether I need to take Organic Chemistry.  My lab advisor is in Europe right now, so she was no help.  Exhausted by the end.  Passed on library tour and went home to “nap.”

Wine hour with Archeo and Bioanthro folk.  Followed by party at Michele’s beautiful Somerville apartment. Lots of food and beer. Met people.  Stayed out late.  Got even more tired.

Then came Friday, which was Anthropology Day -- basically ten short faculty presentations from 1 to 5 pm, followed by a reception with amazing food and wine.  I was tired from the very beginning, and exhausted by the end. Went to reception anyway, mostly for the amazing food.  I could live off free food here.  I’m so tired of all my friends insisting on going out and spending money on it.  >>  We went out to a bar and had a few drinks with older students.  It was all good, but I was so tired. I’m pretty certain I’m getting sick. I was also beginning to feel anxious about how unsuitable I was for independent archaeological fieldwork, and though my friends comforted me by reminding me of the other possibilities that lay down the line, such as lab-centric research or museum conservation, it contributed to my fatigue.

When I got home, it was only 9:30, but I can’t remember the last time I was that tired. I was supposed to go out to a party in the grad student center which literally everyone else in the dorm was attending, but I just couldn’t make it. I was so tired it hurt.  I thought, if I just fell asleep and never woke up, it would be ideal.  I wanted nothing more than to sleep forever.  Only slightly later did I realize the implications of that thought.

It was the thought of Jenny that snapped me out of it.  I know that anything I do to hurt myself hurts her as well.  That’s love I guess. J  Things between me and her are great.  I’ve decided to be open with my friends here about our relationship, and though I haven’t had an appropriate, casual opportunity to tell everyone, those whom I have told have reacted very positively.  Both my fellow archaeo noobs are in new long-distance relationships that started in the summer, so we can commiserate.  

Also, I got several people calling/texting me from the party, wondering where I was and hoping things were okay.  I realized that people here care about me already and it was actually kind of touching.   :3

I’m anxious for class to start Monday.  Now that I’m here, the downsides to Harvard’s program are becoming more apparent.  The classes situation is kind of frustrating, actually. At first glance it appears that there are myriad courses to choose from.  However, most of the courses are offered every other year, and since you only have two years allocated to classes, you are kind of driven into a time slot.  This is compounded by the fact that general exams happen after the third term, so you have to get all your breadth requirements done in the first three terms.  This is usually impossible.  Most of the profs don’t seem to make teaching a priority.  At many universities, rather than general exams, second-years are expected to complete a Master’s thesis.  I can see the appeal of getting the broad knowledge base instead of diving right into original research, but they sure don’t make it easy to get the background you need.
 
One good thing, on the other hand, is that I am certain that this is the career field that interests me most intellectually.  While applying last year, I doubted myself a lot and wondered if I shouldn’t have done English or something.  But all the talks on Anthro Day, as well as my conversations with other students and my explorations of the museum collections, have been very inspiring.  While I am still concerned about whether I will make it through, I am confident that my failure wouldn’t be because the subject wasn’t right for me.  I think this is the most exciting, potentially fulfilling thing I can do, and it’s worth staying sane for.

Monday = classes, therapy, advisor meeting.  O_O;  Hopefully after that I’ll have a better handle on things.
 

Yesterday was a thing of beauty.  I went shopping for gym shoes with Peter, and then the two of us went to the gym together.  I was my first time seeing it, and I was pretty impressed.  I had a great workout, my first real one in a while.  My new shoes are white with PINK accents, the first pink running shoes I've ever had.  I love them.  I really do function better when I remember to exercise (while not obsessing over it). 

Peter and I then went to tea at 3:30, in typical British fashion. The tea shop had the best selection I'd ever seen.  Seven kinds of chai, abut 50 black and flavored teas, plus dozens of green , white, and oolong teas.  Boba/bubbles/tapioca optional.  :D

Next came the grad BBQ, with most of the dorm residents.  The best thing about being a grad student so far is that they serve beer at these gatherings.  XD  I also had the most amazing chocolate cake there, and met a ton more students.  I've met a ton of people from Europe here -- sometimes I feel like Americans are the minority.  A bunch of us (organized by Peter) went out to a couple bars.  I met a guy who was classmates with a high school friend of mine at Cal Tech. I felt so social and so glad that I was being social and enjoying it.

This morning I went power walking/ exploring with my new friend Mabelle, a girl from Canada/Korea/Hong Kong.  Afterwards we cooked eggs and ate them with her gourmet homemade salsa.  The rest of the afternoon I drew cartoons, played a LOT of guitar, and messed around with recording videos of myself singing and playing.  I couldn't get a really good take, but it was SO fun.  I don't know why I never discovered iMovie before.  It is love.  I meant to call all my college friends, but after a couple of ansewring machines, I gave up on the phone and recorded more.  XD

Finally, the grads organized a tour of local ice cream shops.  I had coconut the first round, and Mexican chocolate at the second place, which I must say is the best flavor I've had in a long time.  Mmmmmmm~  and I didn't even feel guilty about it.  I really DO think I've changed since college.  I think I'll be okay, with food at least.  Other issues, we'll have to see.  Calling doctor tomorrow.

Two more days before orientation O_O.

Before I get to the meat of the post, have some quick anime notes.  It gives you something to comment on besides my graduation angst.  I'm not in the mood for serious multifandom blogging right now, but I just wanted to say that the last two episodes of Naruto have been so damn great. Kisame vs. Gai is totally hilarious. And Itachi is so. Damn. Sexy. Also I am really starting to get bored with Bleach (I KNOW, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???), and have gotten behind in the manga, but am starting to like Orihime a lot in the anime. Which is so weird; at the beginning of my involvement with the series I didn't like her at all! But now I just really sympathize with her and think her powers are awesome.

I really meant to do a huge Death Note post around the time of episode 25, in eulogy of a certain someone, but I was banning myself from LJ so I never posted it. Now so much has happened since then that I feel it's pointless to try and gush about it all.  But all I have to say is, what is up with people who think the second half of DN sucks?  Mello and Near are awesome. and Light's downward spiral is so deliciously tragic and deserved.  I love this series so much.  Is it really ending at episode 37?  Man...


Okay, now for the graduation angst.

That is all.  Graduation isn't til the end of the month, so we have 2 weeks of freedom and fun activities planned.  Me?  I'm gonna write me som fanfic.  ^_^

I turned my senior thesis in today!   God that was a long, difficult journey.  And I'm not as proud of it as I wish I could be.  But that's my perfectionism talking.

 Now I am a zombie.    All-nighters always seem so painless at the time....

The other archaeology majors and I are going out tonight to celebrate.  But first I need to nappppppppppp.

I am totally in denial about the fact that I am about to be buried by the avalanche of my other classes....but none of them really matter to me any more.  I am so out of here.  On May 10 I will be DONE with finals and have two whole weeks at school with no obligations whatsoever.  Except possibly a trip to Orlando.  Not sure.

And it is sunny and warm!  I fell asleep on the lawn outside.  It was perfect.

[EDIT: I deleted the first part of this post because it was unjustifiable whining.  I came to my senses.  ^_^  I am going to grad school and also going to Asia this summer; all is right with the world.  No need to stress.  *breathes*]

Stressed a bit though.  So, not really the time to get into a new fandom right?  Wrong. Currently watching Ouran High School Host Club (and becoming the last person in the world to do so), which is MADE OF LOVE!!!!!  It is so much fun.  It is the best stress reliever ever, which was my excuse for watching it.   Aaaaaaand I want to ship Tamaki/Haruhi AND Kyouya/Tamaki.  I HAVE FOUND THE CURE FOR EMO AND IT IS OURAN.

Also, if anyone knows where I can find some good ItaSasuNaru pron, I would love you forever.  How is this threesome not everywhere?   It's like,  common sense, people. The person who can direct me to a hot ItaSasuNaru fic (or arts) will win an internet.  If not, I will have to write one myself.  God.

WHY have I started so many fics that I just can't for the life of me finish?   I looked at my to-do list and I have six unfinished fanfics lying around, not counting my mammoth Bleach WIP.  New ideas just keep coming up and I can't for the life of me finish anything I start.  With school poised and ready to swallow me whole, I should probably take a hiatus or something. But I won't.  Yet.

*runs off to watch Ouran*

UPDATE: I GOT IN!!!!!!!!


1.   I'm feeling much, much, much better.  Thanks to everyone who left me get well comments containing magic powers and whatnot. 

2.   I had a second Harvard interview today on the phone, basically for them to gauge my interest in going there.  The Department Chair called me at 1:45 and said they had their final sit-down on admissions at 3 pm.  He told me a ton of fantastic things about their program that I hadn't already known, as if I didn't  love it enough before.  They told me that one of the profs whose "turn" it is to pick a student said that out of all the applicants, I was the only one that interested her.  And I told them I would go if I was admitted.  He said he'd let me know within the next few days.  This has all happened so fast - a month ago I was at a conference swearing my allegiance to UCLA.  But UCLA was slow to act, and Harvard got me, and my soul is sold.  Usually I'm a pessimist about these things, but it really, really sounded like they were going to take me.  We'll see.  *bites nails*  I'M GOING TO HARVARD!!! 

3.     I have a new favorite movie.  HAROLD AND MAUDE.  It is so good.  I saw it with five friends and we all loved it, which has never happened before, and is especially surprising given the strange nature of the film.  I thought it would be too morbid for some of them, and they thought it would be too cheesy for me.  But we all loved it and went home and downloaded all the songs. I want to own it.

4. This is delayed because I got behind, but Bleach 262 - wut.

So basically life is good, if really busy.  I'm annoyed at my writing class because I feel like I'm not getting as much out of it as I could if I really put the time into it, as I could in a different semester when I didn't have my senior thesis.  Oh well.  I am so excited about Harvard right now.  Who'd have thought.  ^_^

So I've been seduced by the dark side.

I took the train to Boston on Thursday night and had my interview at Harvard Friday morning.  And by interview I mean four interviews, back to back, from 9 am to 12:30.

I LOVED IT.  I loved it.  I didn't want to love it.  But I did.

There are so many reasons why I wish I didn't love Harvard.  But fortunately, none of them matter if I don't get in, which is probably what will happen.  I feel I did pretty well, and am honored to have even gotten an interview, which they reserve for the top 15 of 50+ doctoral Anthro applicants.  But in the end, they only take three.  Apparently, if they want you, they will call you on the phone and say "If we make you this offer, will you take it?"  and you have to say "yes" or "no" on the spot.  Christ.

Then I spent Friday afternoon and night with my high school friend at Tufts, which was really, really fun.  It was my first time visiting her, and everyone at Tufts was so cool.  We also watched Rocky, which as much as I hate boxing, the late 70s and movies for and about stupid men, is just awesome.  Why?  Because of the adorable AWKWARD dating scenes with Adriane.  I'm thinking of the ice skating scene.  It's just so awkward it's cute.  As far as I'm concerned, the rest of the movie is just details.

So that's where I've been, and why I'm way behind on the f-list. 

Overall it was an amazing weekend.  I didn't want to come back to school.  But when I did, my roommate and I went to a pro orchestra concert and there was this amazing contratenor who looked a lot like Elijah Wood and had the most beautiful voice ever.  I almost cried during one of the pieces.  My friend and I thought he was super hot, and probably gay.  But according to facebook.com (oh the haven of stalkers), he's single, straight, and looking for dating.   He's also 31 (only 9 years older than me.  Still okay, right?) and is in the school of music here.  My roommate and I sent him a facebook message saying that we really enjoyed his concert and "hope we have another opportunity to see you perform"  IN BED.  He replied within 20 minutes and said he remembered us from the audience(!) and that our message made him smile.  That made me happy.

I'm starting to get really anxious about my thesis, which is still nonexistent.  I'm going to have to make some serious decisions about maybe narrowing my topic.  But my advisor might beat me.  I'm scared.  I guess I should try to sleep.

ALSO:
- Bleach 113: ULQUIORRA IS PERFECT!!!   And it made me love anime!Orihime for the first time in forever.
- Death Note 16 broke my brain.
- Naruto fillers are ending at last. TIMESKIP EVERYONE!!!

Got an interview at Harvard, so it's up to Cambridge on Friday. O_O  The dark side beckons.

I'm so busy right now, and I don't know why. All these activities for seniors are eating up my evenings. I was supposed to get Chapter 3 of my Bleach AU up this weekend, but I failed, so sorry for those of you who are waiting. I promise you I won't leave you hanging. This coming weekend for sure.  ^^;

Lastly: teh awesome meme from bakkhos: